A Chav Christmas
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like ‘Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!’So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself. Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an’ that. She’s like ‘Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an’ that we are gonna get.’ Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right’
Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an’ go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an’ that.
But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They’re like ‘Respect, bay-bee Jesus’, an’ say they’re wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh?
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?’
It’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this Lord geezer.
He’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they’re killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.’
Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ dahn Egypt on a minging donkey’
Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay.’
So they go dahn Egypt till they’ve stopped killin the first-born an’ it’s safe an’that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.
Don’t forget to check out the Chav Test!
December 13th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
funny in it
December 20th, 2007 at 11:56 am
propa well buzzin dat, got mee lafin enit. Am up duff aswell matee, yess yess. Braap.
January 11th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
dat is well bad innit tho
luvd it!
January 25th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Huu evaa Rot dat iz a propa diamond Gezza Int Blud .
January 25th, 2008 at 10:44 am
This is well bangin init blud,well klass compared 2 da real shit,
January 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am
This story is completely ridiculous and is intimadating familys with a lowe income.I am pregnant and i this this is very sick!
January 25th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Well, Bored and Lazy is about right!
Lazy fucking stereotypes from stuck-up little tossers.
The ‘Are You a Chav’ questionnaire is a rip of from some other site which ripped it off from somewhere else.
Mind you, I see you’ve added your own unique and oh-so-witty little touches.
Do you seriously imagine that anyone who refers to a sofa as a ’settee’, or their evening meal as ‘tea’ is some kind of untermensch? If so I truly wonder what sort of precious, deluded little world you come from.
Perhaps if you grew a pair, got out a bit, and actually mixed with people (yes I realise you are probably a goth or an ‘emo’ with sever social anxiety, but nevertheless), perhaps you’d realise that not everyone from a working-class background is some threatening ogre who is going to hurt you or your precious mummy and daddy.
I dislike aggressive, oafish behaviour as much as anyone, but I don’t think you’re much better, sneering at people from the safety of your bedroom.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
thats well wickedd shit..
lovin it..
init..
..x.
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Does anyone posting on here actually speak fucking English?
I mean, for fuck’s sake:
“is well bangin init blud,well klass”
“propa well buzzin dat, got mee lafin enit”
I think a pre-frontal lobotomy might actually increase the IQ of some of the contributers here.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
sikk shit
March 13th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Are you for real?
I hope you relise this type of “writing” is ridiculus, I mean people on low income don’t “spek lik dis ya na!”
Chavs like most of those above are morons, they see something and copy words from it. Does it make them ‘cool’? No. Does it make them look retarded? Yes.
Chavs are so annoying, this story makes income challenged people look like chavs. Chavs are the people whom listen to ‘MC’ music (it’s not real MC’ing, it’s a retard speaking over the top of a ‘remixed’ song.) Chavs are those whom throw bricks threw your window.
Chavs sit on street corners and drink. Chavs always have to be right, and always have to fit ‘in’. Chavs have taken decent things (berghaus coats for MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!) and made them look ridiculas. I truly HATE chavs, but I take people who are on low income on a person by person basis.
Prehaps the author is a nice person, but from this type of writing it seems not. Alas, this is what Britian is coming to.. Learn to spell and stop trying to be a chav.
P.S. For thos who wrote things like:
“sikk” it’s spelt “S-I-C-K”
“propa well buzzin dat, got mee lafin enit”
What the hell does this mean? Is it some language co-ordinated deficent ape hurling his feces at the keyboard?
I can only assume you mean ” This is very good, it has me ammused.” If so add some content to your post.
“Rot” is also incorrect- it’s spelt W-R-O-T-E.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Dear BrickKnob and Human
I suspect that the poor language skills evident in some of the posts here are simply individuals attempting to imitate ’street language’ for comic effect.
As you rightly point out, this falls rather flat.
Human - I’d polish you your own spelling and grammar before casting any stones - but points well made.
Not sure about the ‘income challenged’ description. Sounds like PC-speak for ‘underclass’ to me.
The ‘working class’ on the other hand were the backbone of this God-forsaken country for generations. They are a rare breed now. Crushed between the never-worked/never-going-to underclasses, sucking endlessly on the teat of the state, and the overdrawn, over-mortgaged minor middle classes.
Chavs just the latest expression of this. The are lazy, stupid and violent - as their parents were before them.
In the old days, they would have starved of been sent to a workhouse.
These days, thanks to our brilliant Labour government they can have holidays on the Costas twice a year and drink enough to deluge our streets with snot and vomit every Friday night.
Meanwhile the REAL working classes get poorer and poorer. Nobody gives a fuck for them it seems.
The UK is down the toilet. Once the current generation of chavs breed (about age 13) then we will see the rise of the Super-Chav - more idiotic, idle, drunken, skagged-up and violent than ever before.
Time to emigrate to somewhere more civilized. Either that of get a used Uzi on the black-market - you’ll need it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Am not being fucking funny. But why the fuck is everyone on here talking like either a retareded fucking two year old. Or a stuck up posh cunt. I mean sikk init. Labotamy wtf!!!. What happend to just talking like normal people man get back to it
April 29th, 2008 at 2:34 am
And can i just ask why it goes in to astory about the first sons. That was a completely different story that had nothing todo with jesus. an evil king was told that the first orn son in egypt wud defeat him so he had them killed.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
oh my gosh! chavs are like soooooo werd :S
June 24th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
i fink dat da ppl hu r spekin rite posh r stupid n bein a chav dnt mean dat u av 2 av a baby at flipin 13 yrz old, even tho i fink dat da story is wel funny!!! lol!
June 24th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
n ive lived in chatham mi hole life n i aint a propa chav, sum ppl rite do mi head in! u posh idiotz need 2 shut ur face! flipin hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 25th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
yes bled wat a story well better thn the real fing init mayte
ha ha wtf is wiv all uses posh twats on eha wunt dare well buzzin sick init
August 19th, 2008 at 11:06 am
dat is well funnii blud keep dat shit goin blud keepit rel ye braaaaap
October 30th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Personally, I thought the story is funny. Okay, for the sake of being P.C. I’ll agree, there are some people out there who are on low income, and I know some of these people. It’s not fun being poor, but at the end of the day we all know this is just a common stereotype which, not saying it’s right, will never be abolished… because that’s what society stands on: STEREOTYPE. We ridicule upper class people, middle class people, working class people and low class people. We undeniabley make fun of a lot of things we shouldn’t. We laugh about rape, murder, being attacked and terrorism… and it will never change. Sorry, but it never will. So stop attacking people because of what they find humourous.
Thank you and good bye.